Kirain wordpress di-banned dari server kantor. Sempet ga bisa masuk euy kemarin2, bilangnya something wrong with the “cookies” and all, dan disuruh contact administrator segala. Malesh la yah…mana administrator sini kan strict semua. Ntar koneksi internet gw malahan diputus, hiks…

Barusan coba lagi, ternyata bisa mashuk, hurraaayyyy…..:):):)

Eniwei, lotsa things happened these days. I tried not to think about them too much and affect my way of life, but they did. Hopefully things would get better soon. And yeah, I cant wait to go to Bali this thursday. Me and the whole family. Hope this would bring us great time. And yeah, last weekend was great too. Took faiza to Grand Indonesia, and it was a blast !!! She played in this indoor playground and tried this “hang-on” game. I first thought that she would be scared of falling, but instead, she seemed enjoying the game somuch. The scare, the way she held her hand so tight and then swung. Off course I grabbed her and held on to her, but it was quite a surprised. Yeah…she’s grown and now she’s ready to new kinds of games and plays. And on Sunday we took her to the hospital and she was this “sotoy” girl. Playing around by herself while munching croissant again and again. And for dinner, we went to GM and she ate all her nooddles. She ate alot that day, cause I made banana cake in the afternoon and she ate it quite amount too. At home she poopoo. yeah off course, with all that food, no wonder

Just the other day I watched sex n the city from season 1. I only manage to watched 2 episodes though. Episode 1 tells a story about women having sex like men, without feelings. I know that most women use their heart for just about anything, especially that sex thing. And at first off course I agree and feel the same way. But then I remembered that one little thing. The way I used to be, the things I’ve done and how I’m contrary to what I feel.

It’s not happening just once but three times and all the same, without feelings. I cant remember how I could be so low like that. So low and dirty and crazy and stupid and… I cant even have the words to describe how I was. I know I’m not supposed to tell this to anyone and yes off course this is the things that I’m going to carry by myself until the day comes. And because this is the thing that I regret somuch, I’m gonna have to stick it up in my mind so I wont make the same mistake for the 4th time. Hopefully not.

I miss Faiza everyday

I dont know why I feel like I’m the loneliest people in the world right now. He’s away and I know if he could choose, he would rather be right next to me than going away. And previously, it was never a problem that I’m by myself. I could always handle things. I can still handle things but it just feels different. It feels lonely. Though I have Faiza next to me, it’s just not the same. And at the moment I’m not feeling like being around Faiza too much. I dont know why i cant seem to handle her nicely. I just dont know what to do, dealing with her tantrums. I feel tired and just imagining her screaming and crying, I’m feeling exhausted already. I know it’s not good and it’s not the way I suppose to feel about her, but I just do. Sigh… This is not right. I must find a way to make me feel better of everything, especially my feelings towards Faiza. If I’m not the one, then who else will. She’s my daughter, the love of my life. Sigh…

Masih saja diriku memendam dendam yang amat sangat kepadanya. Masih saja diriku ingin melihat dirinya lebih rendah dibandingkan diriku. Masih saja diriku membanding2kan diri kita berdua. Padahal masalah itu sudah berlalu begitu lama. Kita sudah melanjutkan hidup kita masng-masing dan tidak pernah bersinggungan kembali. Tapi rasa sakit hati itu masih ada, membekas dalam dan tidak bisa hilang atau sembuh sama sekali.

Sakit hati adalah hal yang tidak masuk diakal. Aku disini bersama-nya. Hidup kita berdua baik-baik saja. Kita bahagia dengan tambahan satu anggota keluarga. Itu sangat baik. Itu sudah cukup dari apa yang kita harapkan. Aku lihat hidupnya juga tidak lebih baik, tidak juga lebih buruk dibanding hidupku. Tapi aku sangat ingin membuktikan kepadanya, bahwa hidupku, keluargaku, semua yang aku bina bersamanya juga bukan pura-pura semata. Bahwa kita bisa membangun keluarga kita

I feel like I havent been a good mother for my daughter lately. Like last night…what was I thinking? I threw her here and there when all she needed was just a goodnight lullaby. hiks… I’m so ashamed. Sometimes all i think of is myself. I didnt even think of her needs.

Well, actually it started in Sita’s blog, that she’d been tagged and she must forward it to at least 10 persons and that includes me.

10 things about me :

1. Always trying to be the best mother for my daughter, the best wife for my husband and the best friends to the ones I dear.

2. Sometimes I feel I’m just too sensitive. Anything negative, then I feel straight away that it’s an offense and off course right away I put on my defense. And that’s why i tend to be “judes” and “galak”. I feel like somehow it’s actually my way of self defense. I cant hear anything negative about me, though actually they’re for my own good. Try to change it though, so i wont be too “judes” or “galak” anymore, but I guess they’ve become my character and it’s hard to kill your own character.

3. I’m not too religious, though I want somuch to be in heaven later when I die.

4. I get carried away easily.

5. Pada banyak yang bilang kalo gw cuek. Mungkin agak sedikit ignorant, atau malah sombong n arrogant. Well probably they’re right. But it’s not actually being snob, no…it’s because I want to do everything sincerely, that’s why if I dont mean what I’m asking, then I wont ask at all. And if I dont really know of someone, then I tend to keep quiet. Doesnt mean that I’m snob. When you do know me, you’ll see that I’m quite warm and friendly.

Yes I know, it’s my own fault. Should’ve told him first about this training I was about to join. And the day comes, when I asked for permission, he was so upset that I didnt say it initially. I saw that my works are a little bit slow, I mean, I actually have nothing to do at the moment, and so I thought if I followed this training, it would be better than just sitting on my desk and browsing. Now he’s upset and dissapointed at me, and PPR is about to come. It would probably going to affect my FPR, but yeah, it’s ok. Hope I can make better judgement next time.

I just talked to Rully about what happened to me yesterday on BNI atm, and then these 2 friends came and suddenly cut my conversation with Rully. I really hate that. I think it’s rude and especially it was done by a friend whom I’m not really fond of. I think this one guy really sucks, think that he’s cool and trendy when he’s actually just wannabe. Wearing these expensive attributes when on him, they just dont look expensive at all. You think you can buy style, well you cant. Style is also about attitude, and when your attitude is not cool, then you’re not cool.

And again, about the other thing. I just been assigned to a new project. This maritime works. I know I’m new to maritime works and there’s little I know about it, so yeah, I was wondering to what facility I was going to be assigned. But then I found out that he only asked me to do the MTO, hehehe….. I think it’s kinda underestimating. All the guys are doing and or calculating a facility, and the girls just do the MTO. Well, are girls unable to do complicated calculation? Sigh…this gender biased thing really upset me, hiks….

Hi, it’s me. I’m backkkkkk !!! Shit, with my right middle finger bandage, it’s kinda hard to type. Anyway…nuthin much happening in my head right now, just wanna make a brief of what’s happened these past weeks. It’s been fasting month and the IEd came and the I have to go to Yogya and now I’m back in the office. Nuthin feels special or extraordinary or anything. Just feel the usual me. Yeah…I guess I’ll write again later on